Forgiveness vs Reconciliation

Have you ever heard of the cliché, “forgive and forget?” I heard this statement growing up but I couldn’t get myself to agree with it. Even as a dedicated Christ believing adult, I just can’t accept these words.

I discovered the reason why.

In my mind, I would have to become friends with the offender once more and accept their behavior. Yet, the words, “Not again,” would ring true in my heart as I would watch them repeat their behavior to others. As much as I would be willing to allow Christ to work in my heart to forgive, I couldn’t forget what they had done. I wouldn’t want to put myself in their line of fire any longer. Without Christ revealing truth in their lives, I would never be able to come to a place of reconciliation. Yes, I could forgive but I couldn’t reconcile and forget.

To forgive is to release the offender from your desire to have repayment for their wrong doing. This God given instruction is something you choose to obey, "And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him, that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses. But if you do not forgive him, neither will your Father in heaven forgive your trespasses," (Mark 11:14). In the hardest situations you will discover by the grace of God, you are able to forgive and have healing.

Reconciliation takes two parties surrendered to God's way for healing. Both sides recognize the offense. The offender must realize what they have done and apologize for their wrong doing before the relationship can be mended. The victim also needs to accept their apology. Reconciliation takes effort and deliberate work from both parties. With God working in both hearts, it's possible. In time, creating new and better memories will overcome the past and forgetting the offense will become easier.

Unfortunately, there are times that the offender does not come to a place of seeking an apology. It's even possible they take their unrepentant behaviors to the grave, which is between them and God. Never the less, you can walk in peace as you have been obedient to do your part and trust the Lord is working on the situation.

In a perfect world, we all would get along nicely and nobody would get hurt. Since we do not live in a perfect world, there are people who offend and justify their behavior. Sometimes their offenses are downright abusive. It’s nearly impossible to reconcile with someone who continues to bring harm. It’s best to pray for them,"Bless those who curse you, and pray for those who spitefully use you,”(Matt 6:28). In time, the offender may come to terms with their actions and seek your forgiveness. I’ve heard many stories whereby the offender had the revelation of Christ and they were able to apologize to their victims. Once they sought forgiveness, it gave room for reconciliation. “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new. Now all things are of God, who reconciled us to Himself through Jesus Christ, and has given us the ministry of reconciliation,” (2Cor 5:17&18).

It’s important to remember two things about forgiveness vs reconciliation:

Forgiveness is between you and God as you choose to be in obedience to His instruction.

Reconciliation is between you, the offender, and God. Each one works together to have the victory of reconciliation.

Once an offense has taken place, you can’t go back in time to change what has happened. However, you can change the outcome by allowing Christ to work in you. It's important to forgive. But forgetting requires a healing process which often comes hand in hand with reconciliation and rebuilding the relationship.

Sometimes it’s hard to know how to pray for our offender. Here’s an example, but remember it’s not just the words you speak to God; it’s your heart that’s most important:

“Dear Lord, thank you for giving me the courage to forgive (you give name). I ask that you help them understand what they have done (and are possibly still doing). Help me to be kind in their presence as I wait upon you Lord~Amen.”

God Bless!

Deborah