When I got there, my dad was in surgery. The knife wound knicked his spleen and there was legitimate concern that he might not make it. I wasn't ready to let him go, I was planning on getting him help! This day wasn't suppose to be like this!
After waiting for hours, my father pulled through surgery. I went in to see him. He glared at me. He refused to talk to me. He was angry and possibly because he was alive. I wondered. The doctor came to see me and told me that he was going to be okay, but he would be transferred to the mental health facility in a few days.
I went home wondering where God was when this happened. I struggled with why God allowed it to happen. I contemplated if it was my dad's "right" to take his own life. I thought, if he didn't want to live anymore, why should he?
I shared my thoughts with a pastor's wife. She gave me insight and hope that I hadn't thought of. She suggested that perhaps God let him live because He has more of a future for him. This challenged my way of thinking as I had been educated to believe my life was my choice.
Days, weeks, and months passed by. I walked this journey with my father. He began to recover. Depression for him had turned into a desperate trap. In one moment of major depression and anxiety, he thought he'd end it all.
After much help, he did recover. Even though his path wasn't an easy one, he ultimately was able to enjoy life in a new way. He got to experience love and joys that he never would've if he had died that day. He got to the children I brought into this world and be part of their lives. My children were able to have a grandpa. I found myself very happy that my father was alive and was able to live many years after that severe moment of depression.
20 years later the phone rang again. This time it was a friend of the family. He called to let us know that his brother had taken his life. His brother struggled with depression as well. He had attempted suicide once and recovered. Studies show that once a person attempts suicide once there is a 70% chance that the second attempt they will die, and if they try a third time a 90% chance they will die. Sadly, suicide took this young man's life. Depression has a way of turning things around and robbing people of the goodness of God in their lives.
I found myself grieving in a way I never thought I would. I was taken back to the time I almost lost my father. I grieved for the loss of this young person's life, his family, and relived the near reality that I truly could've lost my father to suicide. I understand the value of life much more now than back when my father struggled. I have also became acutely aware of how precious life is and it's tenderness is to be treasured daily.
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